Thoughts

Nothing and Everything

Last week I was having the hardest time dealing with the stress in my life. I felt really depressed followed by a very anxious feeling in my chest. The anxiety led me right into a sleep attack and I just had to let go. I’ve always felt like people who are truly depressed really give up and I thought I couldn’t be experiencing the same thing because underneath it all I refused to give up.I know I feel a loss of interest and hopelessness but anger as well. I am angry with myself because I feel like giving up and I don’t have the solution to my problem. In these moments I still feel the urge to push and give myself a chance. No matter what’s happening around me that makes me want to just disappear, I still refuse to give up on myself.

I want to understand myself more and why things are happening in such a repetitive pattern. So this week when I found myself cutting off my hair and crying I asked myself….

Why are you sad? Why are you so sad?

My answer…everything and nothing!

There are so many things happening all the time and it feels like there is no time to be still or quiet. It drives me crazy! I just wish to have the peace of mind I need to heal and grow as a person.

But at the same time I can never get to the bottom of why something is disturbing me so much. What is it about the things that take place that trigger me so deeply to the point that I start to shut down internally?

I don’t know!

I hope by putting my words into the universe and by being vulnerable some of the answers I am searching for will come to me. I hope to share parts of myself with someone who is suffering and can feel the comfort in my pain knowing they are not alone. I hope that somewhere in between my lines they find a light bulb that is lit for them and it changes their life.

I just wish you well. I just wish myself well.

More love and more life.

Infinite Love 🖖🏼

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4 Comments

  • malikelahi

    I felt this. I just happened to open the app and you just posted this. Right on time. Sometimes I suffer from existential crisis trying to find purpose and the meaning of life. It’s crazy because I am the one who talks people down from the ledge and in doing so I discovered the only way you can talk someone down is because you climbed up and thought about jumping yourself… everyday is a quest for meaning though and purpose. Find your peace ✊🏾

    • Shan Bae

      I know this needed to be posted. Since I’ve been opening up more I’ve encountered so many people coming to me in conversation and it’s been a beautiful thing. It’s really been eye opening to know that this is shared. Not because my misery needs company but because I’m not the only one on this island and there is hope when I hear other’s speak. I am that same person…people are attracted to my energy and sense that I can help them in some way. They know that we are familiar with the fall. One day we will all find our peace so I fight!

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